A passive aggressive on Christmas Day.

Although I have escaped, the holiday season brings back bad memories of many, many difficult occasions in the past- how sad that these should have been full of happiness rather than me having to wear a false smile.  I put them all in a list- but this is from my experiences and no offence intended for any religious implications or people celebrating in other religious denominations. This is obviously NOT what Christmas should be about and I wish you all a happy, peaceful and enjoyable time over the next few days, hopefully with the PA’s in your lives causing as little disruption as possible.

Complaining about everything- gifts, food, wrapping-paper mess- just everything despite not having expended any effort himself.

Having to buy me a present was presented as an enormous burden although I purchased and wrapped all of the other gifts and organised all of the food and decorations.

Resented helping out when we had visitors and would vanish for an hour or two on some errand at the busiest time of the meal preparation. Selfish- why should he take responsibility for anything?

Intentionally being difficult -seemed to see any organisation as ‘controlling’ even if he didn’t have to take responsibility at all.  Offered to do things and didn’t do them.  Asked for instructions repeatedly about the simplest things and then misunderstood them.  Assured me that there were products in the house that were crucial to the main meal when in fact they had run out.  Wouldn’t come up with any fun ideas but shoots other’s ideas down. Notably was full of interest however for anything his parents suggested. Sabotage.

Spoils any family unity by ostentatiously clearing away the dishes when everyone was relaxing and chatting around the table.  Tries to make himself a victim or martyr.

Tight-wad– somehow felt entitled to have far more spent on his own gifts but begrudged spending money on anyone else.  Narcissistic.

Miserable– always spoke to his own family on the phone to wish them a Happy Christmas but told them, that his Christmas was ‘quiet’ and implied that he was unhappy even if he had been enjoying himself a minute before.  Seeking attention from parents even into adulthood- he could only enjoy himself with them.

Angry at any opportunity- for example that I put his wrapped present under the tree and ‘spoilt his surprise’ as he thought he knew what it was- he was wrong, it was a watch and he thought it was aftershave. However, he made sure that I always knew exactly what he had bought me by either insisting that I chose it or dropping many hints.  Spiteful.

Sabotaging small family rituals.  We have a tradition from my family of giving out silly gifts ‘from the tree!’ late on Christmas Day afternoon when there is a tired lull in the festivities.  These Tree Presents need to be identified so that they are not given out with the rest in the morning by accident otherwise someone would be without later in the day. I labelled them- didn’t work, he ‘accidently’ gave one out and I had to wrest it from someone’s hands!  So I took to wrapping them in gold paper the next year (we still do, it has become a new little tradition!) and clearly advised him of this detail but he still managed to ‘forget’. Tries to cause conflict and makes me look in the wrong for getting annoyed with him.

Drinks copiously on Christmas Eve so that he is ‘ill’ on Christmas morning. Centre of attention.

Allows his family to intrude on our arrangements however inconvenient. No boundaries.

Yawns frequently, supposedly bored or ‘tired’. Causes tension.

5 thoughts on “A passive aggressive on Christmas Day.

  1. Hello, glad to have found your page. I’ve just started. I’m going to read each circle. It’s interesting to me that when I read all of things your husband did, I can see my own and am still in a state where I wonder if I did something to encourage all of this. It’s so sad that someone can make you feel that way. Christmas in our house was always okay in that my kids had a great morning and opening gifts was very relaxing for all of us. He only caused chaos some years by not helping clean and he refused to open his present because he “wanted to save it for later”. I simply stopped buying him a present and didn’t expect one. He attributes me not getting a present to me not being appreciative when we were younger. This is true of me but I think on a normal level which he made hugs. I’d be struggling with my rent and wouldn’t help me and so when he gave me some fancily wrapped shirt, I just couldn’t be thankful. He had this secret super cheap thing going. It’s all very jumbled in my head, how it all truly went. I hope that we can both have good Christmases going forward. I am decorating my walls in my home after painting and originally I wasn’t going to put any pics of the family up because it all seems so broken. After talking to a woman on the Abuse Hotline, she reminded me that happiness is created by going forward and that means embracing that there were days when you did smile genuinely in those pictures even if he did not and the kids truly enjoyed those days so let them see the pics of all of us. Kids have the right to feel happy in their home. These are adult problems. She is right. I know I have a lot of work to do to get back to health, it’s all very confusing still. Month 7!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, that’s all sounding very familiar. I have found our little family has much better dynamics now he’s gone, I’m sure you will too. It’s just natural love and affection now without the atmosphere. I wish you well for your new future x

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  2. I’ve also in my reading come to realize that he was not being cheap, again sabotage! Wow, I had no idea it ran that cheap. I should have known because if I complained at all, whatever I complained about was never allowed again, like a present, sleeping together (he snored, I complained, that was that). Sitting on the couch together during movies (I complained one day about how uncomfortable the new couch was), last time he sat with me ever on the couch. Its weird when you make progress and see how everything was just so broken all the time and you saw it as normal. I’m not sure what I mean above about hugs,that was supposed to say something else.

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  3. Oh my god, I swear they all follow the same rulebook! This explains why Christmas of 2014-15 was difficult for me. I’d just been able to see that his behaviour at Christmas was unacceptable, and sadly spent that year grieving for it. Thank you for this post! The four of us appreciate it! X

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