Whoopee he lied!

One of the things I found most difficult is that his actions were (nearly) always covert.  I felt unhappy and uncomfortable but could never seem to put my finger on what to confront.  I do find this frustrating when reading about advice on pa behaviour, the expert simply recommends ‘don’t put up with snide comments and set boundaries for persistent lateness’ etc but I simply didn’t experience that.  Yes, he is always late but how do I confront the accident on the motorway that caused this particular occasion? It made me look paranoid for checking up on him.  He didn’t make openly snide comments either. I guess I’m saying that he is a very, very good liar.  Or that I am very, very gullible to lying.  Both are probably true.  So hence the title of this blog.  I caught him out in a deliberate lie! Whoopee!

It might seem insignificant but this point kept me in a bad marriage for years and years, working on my ‘anger issues’.  It took me a very long time to realise that I didn’t have ‘anger issues’ (well I might have but that’s not the whole story) but a pah deliberately striving to make me react. My ex- had been very busy recently (he’s self-employed) and hadn’t found any time to do household chores or mow the lawn etc and was leaving most of it to me, although I was manic at work too and exhausted. On this particular day, I happened (unusually)  to speak to him on the phone during the working day, around 3.30pm.  In conversation. he mentioned that he had just got home and was just going to pop over the road to check on his elderly parents. 

Anyway, fast forward to six o’clock when I arrived home.  Whilst I was locking the car, he swaggered briskly back across the road from his parent’s home, wearing his tool-belt.  I looked at him quizzically, knowing that he had been sitting down chatting to them for 2 1/2 hours (tool-belt no doubt off!) – was there a sudden crisis?  He have the impression of a man in a hurry.  ‘Oh’ he said ‘I’ve just got home and I popped over for a minute to see the olds’.  He had forgotten that he had spoken to me, and that I knew full well that he had been home for hours!

This was a light-bulb moment for me, it wasn’t a casual oversight or white lie.  It was a deliberate, cold deception by both his words and body-language to deceive me into taking responsibility for the main bulk of the household workload whilst he lazily rested and chatted with his parents.  It changed the way I viewed his character completely.  I actually wouldn’t have begrudged him spending time with his parents- his mother was dying of cancer.  He just needed to be honest.

On another later occasion, his work was quiet and he was only working a couple of hours a day.  I pointed out that I was working full-time and that it seemed reasonable for him to prepare the evening meal.  However, his work then picked up and he was rarely home in time so the issue passed.  Until one weekend when he had been complaining he had no work for Monday- he then took a call and I overheard him suggesting that he come at 4pm???  (Wouldn’t you organise it first thing on the off-chance of more work coming in?).  I suddenly realised that his work was still quiet but that he was simply organising his calls for tea-time to avoid cooking.

On a third occasion I came home unexpectedly as I’d forgotten my keys to find him with his stinking, besocked feet up on our coffee table, watching TV at 10am on a working morning.  He didn’t even manage to come up with an excuse that time, but by now my eyes were open.

Category? ‘use lies and deception to avoid responsibility and make her guilty if she confronts it’.  My lesson- try to stop being so gullible.  Sad not to trust your own partner though, I guess I didn’t see it as I simply wouldn’t dream of behaving like that. 

2 thoughts on “Whoopee he lied!

  1. I’ve just been catching up on a number of your blog posts and am quite stunned by the cruelty of the man you put up with for so long. Yes, it was covert – but so incredibly deliberate. He simply didn’t care one iota that he was hurting you as long as all his own needs were being met. Typical narcissist! So sorry you’ve had to go through this but am pleased to see you using your blog to heal and to reach out to others. I hope and pray that you grow stronger and happier each and every day. Love and light.

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